The Rough Thorns
by hifield
Summary: Hard times are nothing new to the  Atlantis Expedition.  Is it possible for something good to bloom out of so much despair?
1. Bagpipes and Teardrops

A/N: This was written for the GW Forum Thread _Ronon Dex/Jennifer Keller Appreciation/Ship/Discussion (Doctor & Wild Man) _monthly challenge_._

June challenge was to use a title generator and write a story around it … it was an interesting tool to work with!

As always … I do not own any part of Stargate Atlantis nor any of the characters … just trying to keep them alive!

Spoilers: Season 3 Episode: Sunday

_Thank you bailey1ak for you help and encouragement … you're always my inspiration!_

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><p>Bagpipes and Teardrops<p>

The pallbearers returned through the ancestral ring walking silently through the gate room, each lost in their own thoughts. By the time they'd arrived it was late and the city was locked down for the night. Ronon stood for a moment inhaling his surroundings. The acrid smell of the fire still lingered in the air, as did the mournful wail of the bagpipes. Dr. Cole headed toward the infirmary nodding to Radek as he continued on to the lab. Sheppard climbed the stairs to the control room looking for Elizabeth while Lorne left to check in with his security detail.

Too restless to sleep, Ronon began aimlessly walking through the corridors trying to find some kind of reason to the senseless loss they'd all endured. It was easier to reconcile the deaths to a Wraith attack or some natural disaster but to once again lose people to some pointless experiment the Ancients abandoned was hard for him to wrap his head around.

Taking a break from all the mental anguish Ronon quietly walked into the infirmary checking to see if Teyla was still awake. She'd held it together during the memorial service but he could tell she was dealing with a lot of pain.

"Hey," he whispered sliding into the vacant chair beside her bed. "How ya feeling?"

"Better … Dr. Keller just gave me a sedative for the night," Teyla sighed. "How are you?" she asked reaching for his hand.

"Okay … stopped trying to figure it out," he confessed, slouching deeper into his chair. "Did you know Dr. Hewston?"

"We were just getting to know each other. I enjoyed her company very much," she sighed sadly.

"You know, it's not your fault."

"I cannot help but feel guilty that I am still among my friends … she was so young," she said, sorrowfully.

"Our worlds don't allow for old age," he reminded her. "Most elders I've ever known have been too young to die … except maybe Charin," he added smiling.

"Yes, Charin was given many years … I still miss her very much," she agreed holding back bitter tears.

From the split in the curtain Ronon could see Sheppard enter the infirmary. He knew he'd be making rounds, checking on the wounded … keeping vigil over his people.

"It seems quiet in here," he observed.

"I believe they have placed the burn patients in the isolation room. Dr. Keller mentioned they may move them back to Earth as soon as they are stable."

"Can I get you anything … do you need some water?" he asked trying to still the restlessness he felt.

"You look tired," Teyla said squeezing his hand. "You should try to get some sleep."

"I might go for a run," he declared as John pushed aside the privacy curtain. "I'll check on you in the morning," he said, leaning down to kiss the top of her head.

"You staying?" Ronon asked John before leaving.

"I'll sit for a spell," he assured him. Neither man wanted to leave Teyla alone for the night. They'd almost lost her in the explosion… if she hadn't started back toward the gym to retrieve her bag she would've died with Dr. Hewston.

Teyla had confided to John that she'd felt great sadness over the loss of Dr. Beckett and he planned on staying with her through the night knowing she was hurting emotionally … they were all hurting emotionally.

"Ronon," Teyla called stopping him on his way toward the exit. "I'm worried about Dr. Keller."

"I'll check on her," he promised.

oOo

It was long past midnight when Jennifer stripped her gloves off and gave final instructions to Marie for the night. Promising to keep her radio on she said goodnight to Dr. Brio and headed for her quarters. The city was quiet tonight … they'd said goodbye to a lot of good people today and she wasn't sure she was up to the task of _carrying on_.

Watching Carson's casket disappear through the stargate just about broke her heart. The doctor had been her closest friend and mentor this past year … the ache in her chest was unbearable but the tears of relief wouldn't come.

Why hadn't he just gone fishing? All he'd talked about for weeks was the space trout he planned on catching … she could still see the excitement in his eyes as he droned on about his passion. She and Dr. Cole had chuckled and rolled their eyes behind his back at his enthusiasm over something neither had any desire to try. Now they both wished they'd just gone with him.

Jen pulled off her clothes as soon as she entered her quarters and stood in the shower till the hot water ran cold hoping to find some relief. She counted Atlantis as home but the price was too much to pay at times. Earth was a relatively safe world compared to those in the Pegasus but this is where her heart resided and who was she to argue.

She thought about going for a run to work the kinks out but settled for a walk out to the East Pier instead. It'd been a long grueling day working with the burn patients while Dr. Brio took care of the infirmary. She needed some distance for a few hours. Finding her favorite spot at the end of the dock she settled herself at the edge dangling her legs like she'd done in her youth. Looking back she wondered how she could have been so upset with her circumstances growing up. Compared to the Pegasus it all seemed childish … insignificant. Nothing in her schooling had prepared her for this expedition. The highs were higher than anything imaginable but the lows were devastating and this had definitely been a string of low days.

Usually when life was this bad she'd turn to Carson for words of encouragement … possibly a comforting hug. After the tragedy the realization that she was living a rather lonely existence hit her hard. She hadn't sought this solitary life … the job was more demanding than anything she could have imagined leaving little time to cultivate friendships. Even so, she considered this home and knew she wouldn't be happy anywhere else.

Lately Jen had entertained thoughts of Ronon Dex in the late hours before sleep claimed her body. She'd spent more time around him in the past few months during missions and caring for him in the infirmary. He's one of the few men who'd ever caught her attention. Some women always fell for the bad boys … addicted to the challenge. She'd always leaned toward the protector type. Loyalty and devotion always pushed her buttons. She also realized that he was not ready to put himself out there again since losing everything when Sateda fell… perhaps that was part of the attraction. Still, she enjoyed his company and their growing friendship.

oOo

Ronon ran through the moonlit night pushing his tired body hard. His goal was to get a good night's sleep through utter exhaustion. Having completed a circuit around his normal route he slowed his pace heading toward the East Pier as he looked for Dr. Keller. He wasn't sure why he agreed to check on the doctor for Teyla. Maybe it was to ease her mind but more likely it was to ease his own mind. He slept better knowing she was safe. He could usually accomplish this from afar but tonight required some one-on-one time, which frustrated him … man of few words and all. Somewhere along the line he started caring about the woman but wasn't prepared to make her a part of his life … at least not yet. Not while there were still memories of his old life.

It'd only been a couple of days since he'd told John that he wasn't ready … confirming Sheppard's questions about leaving someone behind. It'd been close to nine years since he'd seen the glory of Sateda, since he'd lost Melena. He'd worked hard at locking memories of their life together away in some dark unused portion of his heart. He'd loved her most of his life but maybe it was time to allow someone else in. Not that he'd ever forget what they'd shared together but he was tired of reaching out in the dark of night to an empty bed filled with memories.

He'd seen Jennifer at the end of the East Pier several times the past month and wasn't surprised to find her sitting in the dark.

"Hey Doc, how're you doing tonight?" he asked sitting down beside her.

"Hey," she sighed, smiling wearily. "Did you just get back?"

"A while ago … not ready to sleep yet."

"Me neither … can't seem to shake this sadness," she confessed.

She'd arrived in Atlantis so full of youth and enthusiasm … too naïve for the Pegasus. Slowly he'd seen her innocence chipped away with each passing month. Lately he'd found himself wanting to protect her… to shelter her from the harsh realities of life. But that would require a personal commitment and he wasn't ready yet.

"How are the others?" he asked knowing she would be hurting for those that clung to live as well as those they'd lost.

"Dr. Watson is healing quickly from his surgery but is practically paralyzed with guilt over Carson's death… over everyone's death. He keeps talking about how it should have been him who died," she explained softly. "We have five burn victims … fifty/fifty on their survival. We will probably send them home in a few days for further treatment."

"It was an accident," he interjected hoping to ease her guilt.

"I knew one of the men on the ordinance disposal crew. He was really nice … had a wife and two children."

Sitting side by side he watched her from the corner of his eye sensing she was at her breaking point. He didn't know what to do to ease the pain … to make it better.

"So many hurt … so many dead. It should have been me," she snarled, wrapping her arms around her body. "He should have called me. I spent the whole day lying on my bed reading a cheap romance novel … he was suppose to go fishing! Why didn't he call me to take over … I should have taken over when he dismissed Amanda. I wouldn't have been missed …it should have been me," she declared, her voice cracking as the melt down took over.

Ronon moved closer and pulled her to him, letting her surrender to the tears. "It shouldn't have been anyone … I'm glad it wasn't you," he whispered, gently rubbing her back.

Jennifer buried her head in his chest crying for all the good people they'd lost… all the good friends. Her selfish feelings of loneliness pushed her even further over the edge as she tried to control the sobs.

Holding Jennifer in his arms gave him pause … causing him to question his voluntary solitude. She felt … right. She filled him with peace amidst the storm of emotions surging through his life. She felt like home.

They stayed like that for a while drawing strength from each other as the moon made it's way across the sky. Somewhere in the distance the mournful sounds of the bagpipes could once again be heard … another member of the expedition who was unable to capture the comfort of sleep.

"Sorry," she whispered, wiping her eyes and nose on her sleeve. "I didn't mean to be a bother … didn't mean to keep you so long," she apologized dismissing him. She was thankful for his comfort and the thought of him leaving was the last thing she really wanted. The strength of his caress had eased the pain of the day and softened the hard edges of the Pegasus.

Ronon felt her pulling away allowing him to take his leave. Looking down on the small doctor he could feel an ache filling him at the thought of her absence. "You're not a bother Doc," he declared pulling her closer. "I'm not going anywhere," he assured, content for the moment to do nothing but hold her close.


	2. Hard Landings

A/N: There are way too many "thorns" to leave this at one chapter so I've turned this into a story of sorts. Each chapter will be self-contained moving toward a cumulative conclusion. Hope you enjoy!

Spoilers: Season 3 – First Strike; Season 4 – Adrift and Lifeline

Again … thank you bailey1ak – you have a great eye for things.

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><p>Hard Landings<p>

Dr. Keller finished casting her last broken bone of the night feeling the weight of the past few days beginning to take its toll. Turning the care of Sergeant Myers over to Marie she sighed heavily moving toward the safety of her office. The infirmary had been inundated with injuries upon arriving on M12-578… their new home. It'd been hard for Colonel Sheppard to slow their descent as they entered the atmosphere bringing about a less than ideal landing. _I'm sure if OSHA knew about the Stargate program they'd insist on seatbelts and jump seats in all essential areas of the city_, she thought to herself, sarcastically. As ridiculous as it sounded it would have cut down on the present injuries, she chuckled to herself.

So much had happened in such a short time. She should've been prepared. She should've been ready. Everything about the Pegasus galaxy screamed _extraordinary_ so being attacked by the Asurans shouldn't have caught her so off-guard. She shouldn't have been shocked to learn they were flying the city to a new location … flying the city… like it was a minivan full of kids setting out on vacation. At the time she couldn't recall reading in her HR manual that the city had the ability to fly. Jen was sure she'd have remembered if the document had identified the city as a spaceship.

Her first few weeks as temporary CMO had been relatively uneventful which did nothing to relieve the stress and uncertainly she'd felt toward the title. She'd never been one to bask in the limelight or glory in accomplishments. She just desired to do the best she could to improve the quality of life for those she was responsible for, and she felt responsible for just about everyone she came in contact with.

No one prepared her for the biggest challenge of her life. She was operating with a skeleton crew having sent a good portion of the staff to the Apollo for transport to M12-578. When the call came in for the medical staff to report to the Control Room for multiple injuries they weren't ready for what they saw. She felt unequipped for the extent of Elizabeth's injuries. Worries aside, she immediately jumped into CMO mode shouting orders and doing her best to stabilize their expedition leader.

Now, having landed safely on their new world, she finally had time to think about all that'd happened in the past few days and the calm was not welcomed. Entering her office she slowly moved to the far side of the room and sat behind her desk with a heavy sigh.

So many thoughts rushed in clouding her judgment, questioning her decisions.

_Did I miss something?_

_Could I have done something differently to save Elizabeth?_

_Should I have pushed Rodney to activate the nanites?_

_Should I be here?_

Surrendering to her emotions, Jennifer covered her face as she laid her head on the desk doing her best to drown out all the nagging doubts. "I could really use a big hug right now Carson," she whispered to the silent room.

Marie watched Ronon enter the infirmary glancing around in search of Dr. Keller … at least she hoped it was Jennifer he was seeking out because they were all tired and didn't need the headache. Making eye contact she nodded toward Jen's office, which seemed to satisfy him and relieve her.

"Doc?" he quietly called from her open doorway.

"Oh … Ronon, sorry," she stammered, embarrassed by her momentary pity break. "What can I do for you?" she asked with all the bravado she could muster.

"You wanted to check on my shoulder … I can come back," he offered with a teasing smirk knowing the Doc would track him down if he didn't come willingly.

"No, no … I don't want to chase you all over the city," she ordered, with her own half-hearted smile. She stood and directed him out to the nearest bed in the quietest part of the infirmary nodding for him to assume the position. "Go ahead and take your shirt off."

Watching her retrieve some supplies from the small cabinet across from the bed, he reached behind his head with his good arm and pulled his shirt off with one swift movement. Had he done this in front of any other woman on base he'd get a different reaction than the indifference she unconsciously displayed.

No … the man who wins her affections will have had to put in the time and effort to properly capture her heart. He knew that Jennifer Keller was not one to throw herself at anyone just for the enjoyment of … as Sheppard put it …a romp in the hay. This was her most endearing quality, he thought.

Jennifer caught movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to glance across the room at the two nurses ogling her patient with fits of muffled giggling. With a look of disgust, she moved behind Ronon and quickly yanked the privacy curtain cutting off their view, "Honestly," she huffed under her breath.

"Don't worry Doc, its not a problem," he assured her.

"I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to put up with that from my staff. I'm sure if you growled at them they'd run for the hills," she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Does it ever bother you?"

"I'm kind of use to it. I usually only have to growl once or twice with new recruits and I'm good till the next batch arrives."

"I'll agree some things are pleasant to gaze upon but at least use a little discretion and have a little dignity instead of drooling like some lust-stuck teenager," she ranted, making a mental note to talk to her staff at a later time.

She gently pulled the soiled bandaged away from his shoulder running her hands along the sides of the injury looking to see if he showed any signs of discomfort.

Ronon liked the feel of her fingers knowing it was more a caring, professional touch than a sensual expression of her desires. Although, judging from the slight color filling her cheeks perhaps it was tinged with a bit of personal desire, which pleased him as well.

"Does this hurt?" she asked, applying steady pressure around the edges of his wound.

"Not much."

"It looks good … there's no discoloring around the edges, no signs of infection. How high can you raise your arm?" she asked placing her hand under his elbow and keeping the arm bent. She helped him move, watching for the moment he'd wince as she checked his range of motion. "It was pretty crazy in here when Dr. Cole removed that chunk of glass … I'd like to put you under the scanner just to be sure she got everything."

"Okay … why isn't she checking me?"

"Because you're my favorite," she smiled, patting his thigh. She still couldn't understand why the rest of the personnel disappeared whenever he made an appearance … she always enjoyed his company.

"Uh huh …," he answered raising his eyebrows at her declaration knowing she was just covering for the rest of her team who hated working on him.

After the scan Jennifer put on a fresh bandage and pronounced him good to go but admonished him to continue on light duty for another week.

"You hungry Doc?" he asked, hoping to get her out of the office for a little while.

"Not really, not much of an appetite lately."

He nodded in agreement knowing the loss of their expedition leader had been a terrible blow to all of them. "Come on … let's go for a walk," he insisted.

Jennifer shut down her computer and locked her office door as he took her hand leading her out of the infirmary. She liked the feel of someone taking control of her life for a few moments … she liked the feeling of her fingers laced between his.

The two walked silently and quickly through the corridors until they were past the main part of the tower away from curious eyes. Slowing their pace they headed toward the balcony closest to the East Pier.

"Heard there were injuries," he stated concerned.

"A couple broken bones from the hard hit … a twisted ankle … small cuts… just minor stuff. No one was seriously hurt but it kept us busy for a while. Are all our personnel back from the Apollo?"

"Everyone's back and some military woman came with them," he explained, opening the door to the balcony.

"It's really beautiful here," she sighed, walking toward the railing.

"Yeah, Sheppard said it's got two moons. I guess you don't see much of that on your world."

"No … we don't," she answered, leaning over the railing to get a better look at the smaller moon slowly coming into view.

They spent some time breathing in the cleansing night air and enjoying the beauty of their new surroundings before moving back to sit against the wall.

"How is Colonel Sheppard doing?" she asked.

"Still upset … he didn't like leaving Dr. Weir. If I hadn't grabbed his vest and dragged him out we'd all be dead," he growled, frowning. "I didn't like it either … I'll never forget the look on her face when she yelled for us to leave."

"You did the right thing … there were a lot of people counting on you saving Atlantis," she replied, resting her hand on his forearm as a comforting gesture.

"Sheppard's still convinced she might be alive … wants to plan out a rescue mission."

"What do you think?"

"Don't know … probably not but he knows I'm ready when he gets the okay," he stated firmly.

"Were you close to Elizabeth … I think I remember you being in with her during all the chaos."

"No … I wanted to tell her thank you … you know … for taking me in," he stammered, self-consciously.

"I think she knew you were grateful. She seemed to know her people … could sense their needs … quite frankly, I don't think the woman ever slept," she said with a half-hearted laugh.

"I think I'd be dead if she hadn't given me a place to live," he stated quietly.

She could feel the tears building as they talked about their expedition leader … the loss of Elizabeth was a bitter pill to swallow. "I take most of the blame for her loss … she was my responsibility … I must have missed something," she acknowledged, confessing her negligence for the first time out loud. "She told me not long ago that she felt very comfortable with her life in my hands … I kept hearing her say that over and over in my head but nothing I did helped … she just kept slipping further and further away… she put her trust in me and I failed her," Jennifer rambled as the tears ran unabated down her face.

Ronon put his arm around her pulling her close, trying to be of some comfort. What used to feel awkward had become second nature between the two of them … their shared touch was comfort for both their troubled souls. "No," he said firmly. "I was there through all of it … you did everything you could to save her. If you and McKay hadn't done what you did none of us would have made it. Dr. Weir wouldn't have wanted that either."

"But I want it all," she whispered through the grief.

"I know," he answered, kissing the top of her head.

They sat together as the sky darkened in their silent tribute to another lost member and friend … the count was getting too high. Ronon slowly rubbed his hand along her arm occasionally pulling her closer. Jennifer had laced her fingers through his free hand trying to give as much as she was receiving … he welcomed the touch thinking he could sit like this all night.

"I think it's time to get something to eat," he suggested as the temperature began to grow cool.

"Did you know you're my hero?" she asked as he pulled her to her feet.

"Like the Thing?" he asked wondering if she'd read Sheppard's comic books too.

"Goodness gracious no … you're definitely more like Superman," she chuckled, thinking about him squeezed into a pair of blue tights.

Ronon liked her choice of super hero much better than Sheppard's, finding himself grinning at the thought of flying over the city with Jennifer in his arms.

"Seems like you've come to my rescue a lot lately … I'm becoming rather high maintenance," she frowned leaning into his side as they walked toward the door.

"Next time it's your turn to do the comforting," he teased as they headed toward the mess hall. "Will that make you feel better?"

She nodded her head against his chest in agreement, a small smile gracing her lips at his use of the words, _next time_.


	3. Fallen Comrades

Spoilers: Season 4 – episode: Reunion

Thanks Bailey1ak for the read through!

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><p>Fallen Comrades<p>

Ronon grumbled to himself as he left the sparring room unhappy at the way the day was going. He'd confided to Teyla that he planned on leaving Atlantis to join his comrades … his family. He knew it'd be hard but he expected his teammate to understand, he hoped for a little encouragement. Instead she'd filled his head with doubts and offered a different scenario trying to be the voice of reason.

He'd been so excited when they'd found Tyre, Ara and Rakai. He wasn't alone anymore … he wasn't the last of his people. Surely no one would fault him for wanting to be with them, wanting to protect and guide them once more… wanting to fulfill his duty. Thinking back over the things she'd said left him in turmoil. He needed to think … needed to sort things out.

Ronon continued down the corridor growling to himself and anyone he happened to pass in the hallway. Finally making his way to the safety of his quarters he locked the door on his way to the shower hoping to wash away the anxiety.

~OOO~

Jennifer filled her tray with a late lunch looking to find a few quiet moments at the end of her shift. Sitting with her back to the room she opened her book and began reading as she picked at her food.

"My feet are killing me today," Marie complained as she took a seat at the table across from her colleague. "What are you reading?"

"Some fluffy novel Laura left me last time she was in town," she replied turning the book so Marie could see the cover.

"Is it good?"

"Actually, I'm just using it to fill time … not paying much attention," she explained. It'd been a weird morning and the doctor felt uneasy for some reason… unsettled.

"Did you hear Ronon and Teyla found some Satedans this morning?" Marie asked.

"Where? Was it anyone Ronon knew?" she asked eagerly.

"I was told it was three friends who had been under his command," she said excitedly.

"I'm so happy for him … he's been looking forever."

"Well … the latest rumor going around is he's leaving Atlantis," Marie stated, hating to be the bearer of bad news. She knew Ronon and Jennifer had a unique friendship and Jen wouldn't be happy if the rumors turned out to be true. "But you know how the rumor mill can be so I wouldn't put too much stock in it," she said downplaying the whole situation for her friend's benefit. "Has he said anything to you yet?"

"No, but he probably wouldn't. We're not really close friends … not like his teammates," Jennifer stated, hoping he'd take the time to talk to her if he was leaving.

Looking down at her food Jennifer realize she'd lost what little appetite she'd had. The thought of losing Ronon was more disturbing than she was willing to admit. "I'd better get back and close out my office for the day," she said, smiling at her friend. "I'll see you back in the infirmary."

Picking up her trash and tray she headed toward the exit with a slightly heavy heart.

~OOO~

Moving the duffle bag to the foot of his bed Ronon sat in the empty space with his eyes closed trying to still the turmoil that raged in his head. His first instinct was to protect his friends, to resume his role as leader and provider. But Teyla had some compelling arguments and then there was Jennifer, he hated leaving her behind.

Hoping to give his head a rest he laced his boots and threw on a shirt before leaving for the mess hall. Charging like a brooding bull along the corridor left him a wide berth as everyone gladly stayed out of his way.

"Sorry … you okay?" he asked having all but knocked Jennifer over as he entered the dining room.

"I'm fine … didn't see you coming," she answered shyly.

"I was wondering if we could talk?" Ronon asked clumsily.

"Sure, I need to give some instructions for the night and lock my office … should be free in about an hour."

"Come to my room when you're done?" he suggested awkwardly.

"As soon as I'm finished," she affirmed as he nodded in agreement.

Ronon headed for the food line taking a quick glance back as Jennifer left the mess hall. He hated to think about it but he was going to miss the young woman.

Finding a secluded table he began to ponder all his options again when Sheppard set his tray down on the table.

"Teyla's already spoken to you, hasn't she?" Ronon growled as his teammate sat across from him.

"Yeah, well, we had a little chat," Sheppard answered sheepishly.

"Hmm. So, let's hear it."

"Hear what?" Sheppard asked innocently.

"Whatever you've got to say."

"Not gonna say _anything_. I don't have to, because you already know what I'm gonna tell you…that you're a valuable member of my team and that it'd be difficult to find somebody to take your place," he declared firmly.

"Mmm-hmm," Ronon mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"And that you may _think_you're going back to find something you've lost, but there's nothing to go back to. Sateda's gone, and living on the run with your buddies isn't gonna bring that back," he added

"You're not gonna say any of that," he asked again, arching his eyebrows

"I don't have to.

"Look, this isn't about me trying to bring back the past," Ronon scowled.

"Well, then, what _is_it?" John sighed helplessly.

"They need me. They always have. I'm the one that took care of them, got them home alive whenever we went into battle."

"You're one man, Ronon. You can't expect to protect them forever."

"Yah, well, I need to try," he said grabbing his tray as he stood to leave. "Thanks for not saying anything," he smirked sarcastically.

~OOO~

Jennifer walked out of the infirmary heading toward Ronon's room filled with anxiety.

Were the rumors true?

Was he leaving Atlantis?

Would she ever see him again?

So many negative thoughts filled her head causing her difficulty breathing. She felt bands around her chest squeezing the air out of her lungs the closer she got to his quarters. Surely Sheppard would stop him … make him stay. Did Teyla know … certainly she could persuade him to call off this ridiculous plan of his.

Running her hand over the sensor it chimed announcing her presence.

Ronon opened the door filling the opening with his body… memorizing her every feature in the few moments they lingered in silence.

"You okay?" she asked seeing the distress in his eyes.

"Come in," he offered moving aside to allow her entrance.

Jennifer looked around the room at the disheveled mess. It left little doubt that he was indeed leaving their beautiful city. "I guess the rumors are true," she sighed sadly.

Ronon took her hand leading her across the room to the space he'd cleared on the bed. The two friends sat side by side as he tried to come up with the right words to convey what was going on in his head.

"I have to go to them," he started, hoping she'd understand. "I don't think I could live here in safety knowing they were out there on their own." He pulled their intertwined hands into his lap and marveled at how _right_ they felt together.

"I know … your allegiance and loyalty are traits I've long admired. You won't be able to walk away," she choked out, desperately holding back her tears. "I'll miss you. Who's going to comfort me in the middle of the night," she laughed half-heartedly, trying to lighten the terrible gloom filling the room.

"I'll always be here for you," he declared.

"You'll come visit?"

"Promise."

They sat together in silence for a few minutes before he stood and pulled her into his arms giving her the hug she so desperately needed.

~OOO~

Jennifer was pacing back and forth in her quarters anxious to hear how the mission was going when she heard the call for a medical team to report to the gate room. Slipping on her shoes she ran through the corridors trying to make it to the infirmary before the injured arrived. Marie reached out and grabbed her as she flew through the doors leading her over to the side of the room.

"Ronon blasted his way through the gate but the rest of the team have been captured by the Wraith. Colonel Carter and Radek are with him now planning a rescue mission."

"Is he hurt?" she asked worriedly.

"Just a small scratch."

"Thanks Marie." Jennifer moved to the other side of the room near the small group but kept her distance leaning against the partition across from the bed. One of her staff members was trying to wipe the blood off Ronon's arm, which was annoying him greatly. She made eye contact with the medic shaking her head indicating to back off.

She wasn't there to say or offer anything to the group … just needed to see with her own eyes that he was okay and hopefully hear some news about the rest of the team.

In short time two jumpers made their way through the gate on the way back to the planet to rescue Sheppard and his team. Of course they'd rescue the Satedans as well but it seemed that everyone's first priority was the safe return of their Atlantis personnel.

Jennifer stayed in the infirmary pacing once again back and forth in her office chewing on her fingernails as she waited for word on the rescue. She knew it'd probably be some time before she'd see Ronon again, if ever, but hearing he was alive would be enough for now.

~OOO~

She knew it'd only been a couple of hours but it seemed like an eternity before the teams made it back to the city. Since she wasn't on duty she stood at the door to her office surveying the room for injuries as the teams entered. Marie was organizing everything as they walked through the doors directing the team members to open beds around the room. Jennifer knew Cole and Brio would make short work of their physicals getting the rescue party in and out of the infirmary as quickly as possible.

Moving closer to the doors, Jennifer looked around the main floor scanning faces in the waiting area hoping to see Ronon in the mix somewhere. Marie came to fill her in on what she knew as soon as everyone was settled.

"They made it out with minimal injuries," her head nurse explained. "We can take care of things," she added, knowing her boss would be disappointed that Ronon hadn't returned. "Why don't you get some rest?"

"Thanks Marie, I'll leave after I talk to Colonel Carter."

Marie squeezed her shoulder as she turned to leave. Catching something out of the corner of her eye she turned to see Ronon coming through the door holding a towel to his head. Looking at Jennifer she nodded over the doctor's shoulder at the missing teammate knowing Jennifer would be relieved to see him back in Atlantis.

"Marie, why don't you situate Ronon on the bed in the back corner where he might have a bit more privacy. I'll take care of him after I talk to Colonel Carter," she instructed, watching Samantha approach.

"Jennifer, I'm glad you're here … Ronon has the worst of the injuries but nothing life threatening."

"Did any of the Satedans need any medical assistance?" she asked, aware that none of them entered the infirmary.

"It's a long story but the Cliff notes on the mission would be his friends were Wraith worshipers and they betrayed Ronon hoping to get him to join them. Two of them didn't make it … Ronon is back to stay but he's in rather fragile shape right now."

"I'll take care of him myself," she assured the Colonel.

Jennifer looked toward the back of the infirmary catching a glimpse of Ronon as he sat on the side of the bed staring at the floor. Grabbing an armload of supplies and a basin of warm water she moved into his space pulling the privacy curtain around the bed.

Ronon silently watched her pour some antiseptic cleanser into the bowl of water then soak her cloth in the mixture. He closed his eyes as she gently began working on his face and neck, cleaning away the blood. He rested in the warmth of the water as it ran through his moustache and beard. The feel of her hands was soothing to his battered self-worth and he was thankful for the absence of her normally sterile gloves … there was healing in her touch.

Jennifer knew he was watching her but couldn't hold back the tears that slowly ran down her face as she took special care washing his tattoo, the symbol that defined him. He was Satedan … protector and advocate for the helpless … loyal and steadfast friend to those who were worthy. She desired nothing more than to scrub away the pain and disloyalty of the day but it was too late, it'd taken root and the healing would not come quickly she feared.

She knew he'd probably be able to rid himself of the dirt and filth of battle by standing in the shower for a few moments but she needed to do this for him. Needed to offer what comfort she could … it was her turn.

Dumping the basin of water Jen filled it again setting it back beside him on the bed. Lifting his shirt as high as she could, he helped her pull it the rest of the way off. She proceeded to wash his body replacing his bloodied shirt with a clean scrub top. Filling the bowl with clean water one last time she took his hands and gently scrubbed them until all signs of battle had been removed.

When she'd finished he took the time to search her eyes for any sign of judgment, any trace of blame. When he couldn't find anything but concern he slowly released the tears of regret for the friends who'd died at the hands of the Wraith long before this night.

Reaching up she slowly placed her hand along the side of his face holding it there as she willed what strength she had to fill his body and hopefully bring comfort. "You can leave whenever you feel ready … I'll check on you later," she added, reaching down to squeeze his hand. Seeing his brief nod she moved around the curtain giving her friend the privacy he needed as he sorted through his emotions.

~OOO~

Waving her hand over the sensor Jen was filled with relief finding the door unlocked. Moving into the room she closed the door and waited until her eyes adjusted to the darkness.

Looking across the room she could just see his outline sitting in the middle of his bed leaning against the headboard. Moving to the side of the bed she took a seat knowing he'd be awake … examining all the events of the day.

Wondering why he hadn't seen it.

Second-guessing all his decisions.

Beating himself up for the deaths of Ara and Rakai.

Most of all, hating the way he put his teammates … his real family …in harms way.

Moving down deeper into the bed Ronon reached over putting his arms around her waist and pulling her into his side. He tucked her head under his chin so he could bury his face in her hair. He needed her tonight, needed to hold onto something real, needed reminding of the people who cared about him … needed absolution.

"I'm so sorry," she quietly whispered in the darkness, feeling him pull her in closer.

She stayed that way most of the night as they cried their silent tears. Sometime before dawn, once he'd finally fallen asleep, she removed herself from his arms. Sitting on the side of the bed she placed her hand over his heart pleading to the Ancients, who kept silent watch over the city, for a swift healing … knowing that betrayal was the hardest wound to mend.


	4. Arms of Refuge

Spoilers: Season 4, Missing

Thanks Bay for the read through!

* * *

><p>Arms of Refuge<p>

Dr. Keller settled herself into the "guest" room on the midway station finding herself alone and awake for the first time since returning from New Athos. As the memories of painted faces and flying arrows came flooding in, uninvited, she found herself doubting this treasure of solitude she'd so longed for. Pleasant thoughts of returning to her childhood home and the arms of her father were soon replaced with troubling visions that stole away the safety she felt… soon she was reliving the whole ordeal against her will. "How long will it take to work through all the night terrors and fears," she asked herself, worried that they were taking deep roots in what was left of her confidence.

She was unprepared for the whole ordeal … unequipped to be of any help to Teyla. Sitting in the dark her head filled with haunting questions that could never be answered.

What if the men had waited a minute longer?

What if she hadn't gotten the gun away from Nabel?

What if the Bola Kai had checked out the fake address she'd given them?

What if Teyla had lost her baby?

All of it would have ended the same way … they'd be dead along with an innocent baby who'd yet to see his mother's face.

The thoughts were overwhelming and the walls were closing in causing her to slip from her room seeking some kind of diversion. Walking around the Midway Station her thoughts soon drifted to Ronon as they always did lately. He'd come to see her off and offer his support for which she'd always be grateful. She could still remember the worried look in his eyes as he waited beside her while the chevrons locked into place.

"_Are you okay?" he'd asked for the hundredth time._

"_I'll be fine … just need a little time with my dad … some comforts from home," she'd assured him, offering a smile that was only surface deep._

"_Promise me you'll stop thinking about all of it and get some sleep … and eat!"_

"_I promise," she answered with a genuine smile. She loved the way he always wanted the best for her. More than that she knew he was worried and didn't know exactly what to say which made him all the more endearing. "I'll be back before you know it… promise."_

He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze as she moved forward toward the established wormhole. Turning at the last minute to offer a small wave he watched until the gate shut down hoping she'd keep her word … friends were hard to come by for the quiet soldier.

Making her way to the small dining room Jennifer checked out the offerings of MREs and frozen entrees that occupied the self-serve freezer and shelves. Deciding she really wasn't hungry she opted for a hot cup of tea and a snack pack of stale cookies. Soon enough she'll be eating a hot home cooked meal and enjoying the company of her dad whom she missed dearly… it was worth the wait.

On her second cup of tea it finally dawned on Jennifer that she needed a cover story. She couldn't just show up and expect her father to believe she "slipped in the shower" or "ran into a door", she needed a believable story to cover for the bruises and split lip, not to mention her fragile emotional state.

Coming up with a viable excuse for the physical injuries wouldn't be a problem but finding refuge in her father's arms without having to explain what she'd gone through would be a problem. She didn't want to cause him worry especially since it was just a three day leave - not enough time to dump and run even if she could tell him the truth. So once again she decided to pack it all away and deal with the experience once she got back to Atlantis. "_Who knows … maybe it'll all work out without a major melt down just by being home,_" she thought to herself knowing she wasn't fooling anyone. Unless you'd been with the Stargate program you'd have no idea what the members of the expedition went through, let alone any kind of understanding.

She laid on her bunk making plans on what to tell her dad as she drifted into a restless sleep. This time tomorrow night she'd be sleeping in her own bed listening to the sounds of crickets and frogs through the opened window … a healing balm to her battered soul.

~OOO~

Ronon watched Teyla enter the mess hall on her way to the food line. It was good to see her finally out of the infirmary and healing quickly. As she scanned the dining room he gave her a slight nod knowing she'd join him.

"They finally let you go?" he smirked knowing she hated being confined as much as he did.

"Yes, it feels good to walk and stretch my muscles," she replied gingerly. "Not quite ready for any major exercising I am afraid," she added grimacing.

"Was Keller over reacting?" he questioned, thinking she didn't look that injured, at least not enough to keep her in the infirmary.

"She is very cautious and knew I had received quite a few hard blows," she explained hoping to change the subject and take the focus off herself. "Did you see her before she left?" Teyla asked wondering if he was beginning to view Jennifer as more than a friend.

"Yeah, she didn't look that good but promised to rest," he explained hoping he didn't sound overly concerned. "Are you sleeping?" he inquired, knowing she'd be worried about the fate of the Athosians. "You know Sheppard won't stop until we find your people," he offered reassuringly.

"I must find Nabel … he knows what happened to my people," she stated firmly.

"Sheppard's already working on it," Ronon explained, hoping to bring some kind of relief to his friend. "How did Jennifer do on the planet?" he asked moving her focus off Nabel, which seemed to consume her at the present time.

"At first she was terrified and offered very little help. I feared we would both be killed," she sighed wearily. "I believe she blames herself for my injuries … believes she was not prepared for the danger we faced."

"Was she?"

"No, but I believe she will not give up. With training and more experience I think she will overcome her fears. She was remarkable when we stumbled across Nabel … insisting she help treat his wounds knowing it might have caused our own demise. Finding herself in familiar circumstances seemed to calm her fears."

"Do you think she'll return?"

"Yes … I am certain. She saved my life too, Ronon. Had she not gotten the gun away from Nabel I know he would have killed me," she explained. Perhaps you could help with her training when she returns … help build her confidence."

"Thanks for helping her get some time with her dad … maybe that's all she needs. She's talked about him before … maybe she just needs one of those hugs."

"I am not sure that will be enough. Do you care for her?" she asked knowing his interest was a bit unusual.

"No," he quickly denied. "Yes … I'm not sure. What do you mean by care?"

"I have seen you spend more time with Jennifer … you seem more concerned for her well being as she does for you."

"We're just friends," he confessed, needing to change the subject once again. He did care about Jennifer but wasn't sure if it was anything deeper and didn't feel like discussing it.

Standing up he reached down taking Teyla's hand pulling her to her feet, "Come on, you look tired … I'll walk you to your room."

Surrendering to his care she decided it was just a growing friendship between her teammate and the doctor. Ronon had always been protective and caring for those he considered family. Perhaps Dr. Keller was the newest member of his inner circle … the ones he allowed to touch his heart. Whatever was happening, Teyla wanted to get to know the young healer better and perhaps help her grow beyond the limits she'd set upon herself.

~OOO~

After her meager breakfast of hot tea and a frozen sausage biscuit sandwich, Jennifer spent the rest of the morning re-packing her bag and rehearsing the combat story she's invented for her dad. "_Maybe coming home wasn't such a good idea_," she grumbled to herself. She'd been over this ground before but still hated the idea of having to lie to her father.

Soon, Dr. Lee called her to the gate room to continue her journey to Earth. Waiting for the wormhole to stabilize she fidgeted with her clothes wishing there were something she could do to cover the bruises. At least no one could see the deepening shades of purple on various parts of her body but there wasn't enough face powder in the galaxy to cover the damage the Bola Kai left on her face not to mention her split and swollen lip. Maybe she should have waited a week or two for this trip but then again now was the time she needed to feel the warm embrace of her father's arms.

Thanking Dr. Lee once again for his hospitality she walked through the event horizon and into the debarkation room at the SGC. Putting on her happy face Jen walked down the ramp to her greeting party … Dr. Lam, Daniel and, of course, Vala. She'd worked with Dr. Lam when she'd been contracted with Stargate Command before transferring to Atlantis and they'd also worked on a few intergalactic projects together. It felt good to be with old friends but she was having a hard time keeping her facade intact.

"Wish we had more time," Daniel said pointing to his watch. "We need to get you to Peterson to catch your lift."

"Are you okay?" Carolyn whispered as she gathered Jennifer into her arms.

"Working on it," she answered with a hitch in her voice. The Atlantis CMO worked hard to keep the tears at bay. "_When will I be able to let go and have a proper meltdown_?" she wondered selfishly.

"I'll be here when you come back through … maybe we can find a few minutes to catch up."

"I'd like that," she agreed hoping to make time. When you fly with the military you're at the mercy of their schedules. As much as she wanted to spend time with her old friends she knew better than to count on it.

~OOO~

General Landry had arranged for a military escort from Stargate to doorstep easing Jennifer's worries of having to explain her battered appearance to civilians along the way. It was a long trip … especially when comparing it to gate travel … but by nightfall she was handed off to the waiting arms of her father who'd been pacing the front porch since sundown. Following introductions and grateful words of appreciation, Jennifer allowed her father to escort her through the front door and into the safety of her childhood home as the young Lieutenant headed back toward the city.

After their initial greetings and customary bear hug, Matthew Keller ushered his daughter into the living room to the comfort of the crackling fire while he started a pot of tea. It may have been a bit early in the season to have the added warmth in the room but it's soothing properties outweighed any discomfort.

Once settled with a cup of hot tea to warm her hands Jennifer proceeded to try and still her father's fears, which were evident in his face.

"I'm okay Dad," she started, touching his knee re-assuredly as he sat beside her on the couch. "I know I look a bit worse for wear but truthfully I'm okay," she said, hating herself for deceiving her father. Again … what was she thinking coming home? There was no way she would add to his worry especially when she just had to leave in two days. No, the meltdown would definitely have to wait until she got back to the Pegasus, which was not what she wanted. She'd hoped to get through all the trauma and be back to her old self once she arrived back in Atlantis… this may take longer to work through than she'd thought. "But I know I'll be better with a few of your stellar bear hugs!" she smiled.

"So that's why you're here," he teased, knowing he'd get nothing more out of her tonight. "Well, I guess I'll just have to lavish you with some of my best hugs … I have a reputation to live up too," he laughed, pulling Jennifer closer, drawing her into his chest. "Thank you for coming, pumpkin, it does these old bones good to have you in my arms again." Matthew held her for a long time as the logs turned to embers knowing whatever had happened to his little girl, this is what she needed now.

~OOO~

Father and daughter spent their time enjoying the dog days of summer as they took in the farmer's market and annual craft fair ending the day with a wonderful dinner of fresh vegetables, homemade biscuits and fried chicken that her dad prepared while Jennifer took a much needed nap. Between running for her life and all the gate travel the past few days she was wore out more than she liked to admit.

"I haven't eaten this good since the last time I was home," she chuckled while finishing the last of her biscuit. "I'm thinking we should save dessert for later." She'd bought a homemade apple pie from one of the craft tables and hoped it was as good as it looked. Thinking it would make an excellent present for Ronon, she'd bought an extra one to slip in her bag.

Jennifer cleared the table and started a kettle of water boiling shooing her dad off to start a fire and pick out a movie. Once the tea was made and the dishes were soaking she wandered into the living room to put her feet up and snuggle with her dad.

"What are we watching tonight?"

"I'm thinking Notting Hill … one of your favorites," he said winking.

"If I'm not mistaken, this is one of your favorites too," she chuckled appreciating the care he took to pick something light hearted.

"Speaking of … is there anyone new in your life?" he asked hopefully. Matthew hated the thought of his little girl out there in dangerous situations without any protection.

Moving over to the coffee table he sat facing his daughter and took her hands in his own … time for a serious talk. "I know you can't say much but can you tell me what happened?" he asked gently touching her face.

"I hate having to keep things from you," she sighed. "I didn't think it would be so hard when I signed that blasted confidentiality agreement," she grumbled under her breath.

"I understand there are things you can't talk about … I won't ask for details but I need to know that you're safe. I need to know that this won't happen again," he said pleading for some kind of guarantee that he'd see his little girl again.

"I'm so sorry to put you through this," she answered, taking hold of both hands once again. "I can tell you this, I love my job … I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm working with an elite group of people who are brilliant and passionate and making a difference in this world. Its long hours with little time off and sometimes it's pretty scary but Dad… I know you'd be proud of me," she explained, scrambling to control her emotions.

"What about this?" he asked, nodding toward the bruises on her face. "Did you sign up for the physical abuse?"

"No, but I knew it was a possibility. Usually I'm on the other end … patching up the injured," she clarified. "But sometimes things don't go according to plan A and people get hurt."

"Is there anyone looking after you … someone worried enough to keep you safe?"

"I have a whole military contingent at my beck and call and these people are good … the best of the best. I know I can't stop you from worrying … let's face it Dad, you'd worry if I worked at the local hospital here in Chippewa Falls, but I promise you there are people who would lay down their lives to keep me safe."

"You never answered my question, is there anyone new in your life. Perhaps someone who's a bit more zealous than others to keep you out of harm's way?" he inquired, hesitating long enough to see the blush color her cheeks. Moving over to the couch he pulled his daughter close wrapping his arm around her snuggly. "I guess those rosy cheeks pretty much answered that question," he teased, kissing the top of her head. "Is he someone you can confide in … maybe someone I'd approve of?"

"He's been wonderful to me … not sure I'm really his type on a romantic level. But, yes Dad, he's a shoulder to cry on and he's even tried to fill in when I needed a hug … totally out of his comfort zone I might add." Looking up to meet her dad's eyes she continued, "You'd like him, Dad," she whispered.

"Are you suggesting that Hugh Grant is out of the running for the time being?" he smirked.

"Hugh doesn't hold a candle to Ronon … but yes, for now he's safe besides, I know I could take Julia if I had to," she giggled. "Now, start the movie while I'm still awake."

Matthew put the DVD in the player and settled back on the couch with his daughter by his side. As the credits began to role he added one last jab, "So … Ronon is it?"

Jennifer reached over jabbing her father in the arm playfully before slipping into passivity for the evening.

~OOO~

Ronon took a long hot shower after returning from their trade mission. It wasn't a particularly long day but he couldn't stop thinking about Jennifer. She'd be starting back to Atlantis tomorrow and he wondered if she'd found time to deal with the terror she'd had to endure on New Athos. It'd been just over a week since they'd gone in, guns blazing, to rescue the women. He could still picture the unsettling look on her face as she'd sat on the backbench in the jumper on their way back to Atlantis.

He knew she hadn't slept much if at all and in less than three full days she was on her way back through the wormhole to Earth. Did she make time to deal with all the nightmares … showered enough to remove the feel of the painted barbarians… cried enough to wash away the hardness that was settling in her heart. He knew she needed to deal with it before it became a part of her soul and he couldn't help but feel he'd failed her.

Checking the clock he quickly dressed making his way to the conference room for the debrief. As usual, he paid little attention to what was discussed instead he continued to think about his friend, wondering if she was back to Cheyenne Mountain … wondering if she was okay.

As the meeting ended Ronon waited until everyone filed out before approaching Colonel Carter for a favor.

~OOO~

After another night of restless sleep Jennifer awoke to the smell of bacon and blueberry muffins. Taking a long hot shower before joining her father at the kitchen table, she settled into their normal routine of reading the newspaper while sharing breakfast together. The silence was comforting … neither feeling they needed to fill the void with idle chatter.

Once the paper was scoured for anything of importance Matthew moved to the stove to start another pot of water boiling and suggested they move out to the front porch.

"This is my favorite time of day," Jen sighed hugging her cup of hot tea, "before the demands of life get frantic."

"Are you all packed?" Matthew asked, knowing the military were a punctual bunch.

"Yes," she sighed. "Not sure when I'll have time off again … I'll email you as soon as I can, let you know I got home okay."

They both spotted the military car approaching at the same time, registering their time together was over. Matthew stood pulling his daughter into his arms for one last bear hug before saying good-bye.

~OOO~

Dr. Keller arrived back at the SGC with little time to spare. Daniel picked Jen up at Peterson giving her a few added minutes to catch up and him another opportunity to examine her wounds. Seeing the bruises were fading and her lip was healing he resigned himself to Atlantis taking over her treatment knowing they'd take good care of her.

"Sorry you don't have time to relax but Atlantis wants you back and there's still that 24-hour stay on Midway."

"I understand," she sighed. Standing at the foot of the ramp she turned and put her arms around her dear friend and gave him one last hug as the wormhole stabilized. "As much as I hate gate travel, it was worth it. Give Vala my love."

"She is going to hate that she missed you," he frowned, thinking about the rant he was going to endure on her return. "Stay safe," he whispered leaning down to kiss her cheek.

Jennifer could feel the tears filling her eyes as she turned her back to the embarkation room and started her walk to the event horizon. Stepping into the wormhole her thoughts were of the meltdown that surely awaited her on the Midway station and hoped it would wait until she was safely settled in her room.

Ronon watched the chevrons lock into place wondering if he'd misjudged the situation. Maybe she didn't need him … maybe she'd already dealt with the trauma … maybe she'd rather be alone.

Jennifer stumbled through the event horizon taking a moment to steady herself. Standing at the top of the ramp she looked beyond to see Ronon standing a few feet away waiting for her. The tears she'd held for so many days refused to be confined any longer as she quickly made her way down the ramp and into his arms. Sinking further into his chest she felt his arms surround her and finally allowed herself the luxury of falling apart.

Ronon continued to hold her, rubbing her back as she clung to his chest. He'd arranged with Dr. Lee to meet her alone without a military presence in the small gate room in case she needed the privacy. Now as she poured out her heart he was thankful for the arrangement he'd made.

As the tears were spent and the sobbing controlled, she quickly thanked him for meeting her … for being such a good friend. Giving her a gentle squeeze Ronon picked up her bag and guided her out of the gate room toward their meager accommodations.

After the door was closed he apologized for having to bunk together but, as usual, there was limited space on the Midway Station. Dr. Lee had offered to have Ronon bunk with him so Jennifer could have a room to herself but Ronon declined not wanting her to be alone.

"I can always bunk with Dr. Lee if you'd like some privacy," he offered, reluctantly.

"I'd like you to stay if you don't mind," she answered shyly.

"I'll be here," he assured. Ronon kept an eye on her doing a silent evaluation. Something was wrong … more than the normal trauma associated with what the mission reports had stated … not that what she and Teyla had been through wasn't extremely traumatic but he could tell she was holding something back. He planned on knowing what that was before the night was over.

She heaved a sigh of relief knowing he'd be there to protect her through the night and perhaps keep the nightmares at bay.

"How'd it go with your dad?"

"It was good… he's worried but I did my best to assure him I'm safe…told him I have the best of the best guarding me," she added with a faint smile.

"Did you take time for yourself?" he asked already knowing the answer.

"I guess we both know the answer to that question," she grumbled sarcastically. "I just couldn't dump on my dad and then dry my tears and leave … it didn't seem right."

"Did you rest … eat?"

"Rested a lot in the evening watching movies but the nights are still rough. I'm hoping it will all settle down once we get home," she said hoping it'd be true. "As for the eating, my dad filled me full of homemade biscuits and fried chicken … no wonder I had nightmares," she chuckled nervously.

"Now you have me hungry! Do you feel like looking through the kitchen for something to eat?" Ronon asked as his stomach started growling sending them both into fits of laughter. He reached down giving her a hand up as they moved toward the door.

"Wait … I brought you a present," she declared, remembering the apple pie she'd stashed in her duffle. Reaching in under the sweatpants and shirts she'd used as protection she pulled out the perfectly intact dessert presenting it with a smile.

"So … I guess all we need is a couple of forks," he grinned.

"I'm sure we can find those in the "mess hall" she smirked knowing it housed only enough room for two small tables."

Starting down the corridor he reached over taking her hand protectively, lacing their fingers together. The enjoyment he felt at her touch confirmed his desire to care for her, to keep her from harm … at least that's what he'd told himself refusing to think it was anything more.

After indulging in apple pie and hot tea the two friends headed back to their room with clean forks and the remains of their dinner in hand. Ronon planned on finishing it off before the night was over.

"Got anything else hidden in that bag?" he asked mischievously.

"You can't possibly still be hungry," she scolded teasingly.

"I'm a growing boy," he grinned patting his stomach.

"I brought back a big box of popcorn for Teyla … I'm sure she won't mind if we eat a bag. Why don't you see if there're any good DVDs while I go pop this in the microwave?" she suggested.

"You look … I'll make the popcorn," he instructed taking the bag and slipping out the door. The last thing he wanted was for her to have to engage in any kind of conversation with the Marines stationed on Midway.

Jennifer picked out a suitable movie of interest to both of them and proceeded to get the room ready. Quickly changing into a pair of lounge pants and a comfortable tank top she pulled the pillows off the top bunk and the extra blanket at the foot of the bed placing them against the wall on the floor across from the TV.

Ronon found her all snuggled up in the blanket when he returned with the popcorn. Pressing the play button and turning off the light he joined Jennifer on the floor putting the bag between them as the movie started to play.

By the time the film had ended stray kernels of popcorn decorated the blanket and Jennifer had snuggled up to Ronon trying her hardest to stay awake. It'd been a long emotional day starting with saying good-bye to her father followed with a tearful reunion with Ronon. She was ready to try sleeping hoping the emotional fatigue would work it's magic.

"I'll clean all this up in the morning," she offered, moving to stand up. "Would you like the top or bottom bunk?"

"Not yet … I want you to tell me what happened on New Athos," he began trying not to be too forceful as he held her in place.

"I thought you read the mission reports?"

"I did … read everything that was written up, several times but now I want you to tell me what you left out."

"What are you talking about? I'm sure I covered everything," she insisted wondering what he was referring to. "I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't any help to Teyla and almost got us both killed … didn't think I needed to include that in the report," she smirked sarcastically.

Reaching the DVD controller he pressed the power button plunging the room into darkness as he continued his gentle interrogation. "Jennifer, I've seen you flinch and know you have a lot of bruises to your body … other injuries you didn't talk about in your report," he continued, feeling her tense.

Jen sat in the darkness panicking … she didn't want to talk about any of it. Just wanted it to go away so she could get on with her life. What good would it do to talk about all the embarrassing details … confess all the shameful particulars.

Ronon reached over pulling her closer as she tried to move away. "No…," he stated while holding firm, tucking her against his chest. "I need you to talk to me, I need to know what happened." He worried about crossing the line, insisting on details she wasn't ready to share … with anyone. Feeling her relax in his arms he'd given up trying to get her to talk and settled for holding her instead realizing she wasn't ready to deal with it just yet. After a long spell of running his hand down her arm he was rewarded with the information he sought.

"I was so scared. Teyla kept telling me to be strong … encouraging me that we would live through this. I kept repeating that over and over in my head. _I will live through this, I will live through this, I will live through this_, but when they dragged her back to the cage and I was left along with the men …," Jennifer whispered as her words trailed off into silence.

Ronon didn't push her but his blood began to boil as she slowly poured out her soul. He could feel her reach up and run her hand over the bruises on her face before she started again.

"At first they kept demanding to know the gate address to Atlantis. I knew I couldn't give it to them … not when it meant that everyone on Atlantis would be in jeopardy. So I stayed silent and one of the men would backhand me across the face. After they did that for a few minutes then another bigger, stronger man came in and asked again what the address was but this time he punched me in the stomach each time I refused to answer. I really believed I could handle it … could take it all and even die if I had to," she confessed, pleading with her sobs for him to understand.

"Then the leader interrupted yanking me to my feet and dragging me to this big table across the room. He threw me against one end kicking my feet apart then standing over me as he shoved my face into the tabletop." Jennifer stopped suddenly gasping for air as she tried to control her crying. Why did she think she could just bottle this up and hope it would just go away? "I remember trying to move … trying to get out from under him but he was way too strong for me," she rambled on feeling the guilt again for not being equipped to take care of herself.

After gaining more control of her emotions she began again talking so softly she could barely be heard. "He pressed his body into mine and then leaned over and began to whisper in my ear all the things he was going to do to me if I didn't give him what he wanted. The harder he pushed my shoulders into the table the harder it was to breathe. When he started moving his hands over my body I broke and gave him what he wanted," she cried.

"Shhhh, you did good and you're safe now," he told her pulling her by the waist into his lap. He wanted to comfort her, to convey how proud he was of her for making it through the whole ordeal.

"No!" she yelled at him pulling back enough to pound her fists into his chest. "I didn't do good. I buckled the minute it got too personal, the minute it …it … it cost too much. I wanted to protect everyone but all I protected was myself," she proclaimed. She slumped back into his chest, her anger and humiliation spent. "I wanted to make you proud, make all of you proud but if you hadn't arrived before they dialed the fake address we would have been killed. It would have all been for nothing. I'm so ashamed," she quietly cried, letting out all the emotions she'd buried for the last week.

"I don't belong here but I don't want to be anywhere else."

"You'll get through this … I'll help you," he promised holding her close. He was proud of her… proud that she'd done everything she could to stay alive until he'd come for her. Now he just needed Jen to understand how important she was to Atlantis. He wasn't about to let her go.

Picking her up Ronon settled her on the bottom bunk then crawled in beside her. It was a tight fit on the small mattress but he planned on holding her tight all night so it didn't matter the size. He insisted on hearing the missing details so he had no one to blame but himself for the knot in his stomach. He was determined to do everything in his power to see that she'd never be put in harms way again. But "_hoping_" didn't work out half as much in the Pegasus as it did on Earth. What was it Jen always said … _hope for the best but plan for the worst?_ If nothing else, he planned on being there if the worst should happen again.


End file.
